Home for the Holidays

It's easier for my honey and me to spend holidays with my family than with his family. We live a lot closer to my mom than to his mom, and my job isn't exactly "leave town during the busiest travel times" friendly. So we're driving to my Mummy's house for Christmas (with our dog, without our cat). We're going to take a week to visit his family next month, after the holiday rush has ended.

Surprise!

The Family Plan

My honey and I didn't mean to go shopping on Black Friday. Honestly. But when his cell phone died the evening before Thanksgiving, we weren't really left with a choice (we don't have a home phone, like any modern couple that successfully resists "bundling"). We'd already decided which carrier we would use for setting up our joint cell phone account, so we headed to the Verizon store after I got off work on Black Friday. The store was overpopulated with employees hyped up on RedBull from the rush of shoppers they'd experienced earlier in the day.

After an hour of working with one of the hyperactive employees, we had learned about the Black Friday competition happening between our local Verizon stores, decided on our our new (not matching) phones, and figured out how to get me off of my Mummy's family plan. My honey and I left the store with a bunch of free goodies and a brand new family plan, complete with data sharing. Because sharing is caring.

Happiness

On average, married people are happier than unmarried people. Why?

Happy people may be more likely to get and stay married than unhappy people. But there's more to it than that. 

A married couple is a team. Being part of a team can reduce stress. But there's more.

A person may feel that marriage provides meaning to his or her life. But there's more.

People who are married have someone who, at the end of the day, will be there no matter what. There's still more.

Some people say that simply being married makes you happy. But I disagree. Each individual is responsible for his or her own happiness: the only person who can make you happy is you. That being said, married people are accountable to their spouses about their happiness as much as about anything else, including their finances. If you are unhappy, that will affect your spouse, and if you love your spouse, you will not want him to be a victim of your unhappiness.

Maybe accountability and responsibility are the reasons that married people tend to be happier. Maybe that's just my take on it. Every marriage is different, after all.

Paperwork

I had thought that our wedding would be more or less the finale to the process of getting married. I was wrong.

We have our marriage certificate (and certified copies, just in case).

I have my new social security card. And my new driver's license and passport. We opened a joint savings account. And apparently that was the easy part. I still have to update my credit cards and other bills (not that anyone questions Bonnie Beckman versus Bonnie Beckman Spear when I have to pull out ID for a credit card purchase). And at some point we have to consolidate our cell phone plans and car insurance. How romantic.

The Right Choice

When my honey and I first sat down with our officiant, one of his first comments was that this wasn't the first relationship for either of us. What he meant by this is that we'd both experienced other people and knew (more or less) what we were looking for in a life partner. I thought I knew what he was talking about at the time, but now I think I truly understand.

Yesterday was one of my honey's and my first days off together since we got home from our honeymoon. We painted our living room. It was a perfect day, and I couldn't help thinking back to the last time I did any "remodeling:" my ex kept complaining about how much of a hassle it was going to be to paint, and it was going to take so long, and it probably wouldn't even look that good when it was done, so we might as well not even bother. So I waited until he was out of town and painted while he was away (he came back and said how amazing it looked--which wasn't enough to convince me that he should stick around as long as the wall color). This time? My honey helped with the prep work, helped with the painting, and even made me a cocktail while I was painting. It was a relaxing activity, and had a result I will be enjoying for a very long time. I definitely made the right choice.

An Observation on Married Life

People keep asking me how I like married life. My response? About the same. I'm still the same person. My honey's still the same person. We still have a dog and a cat. We still live in the same place. We still have the same jobs, eat the same foods, enjoy the same pastimes. The only things that have changed are that the government now acknowledges our relationship, and we have the same last name.

Coming Home

Our wedding was great. Our honeymoon was even better. Now that my honey and I have been home for a week, we're starting to settle back into a routine. Although, I have to admit that after being together pretty much 24 hours a day for two weeks, I missed him when we both went back to work.

To re-live some of the magic, I am posting the lyrics for "Sunny and 75" by Joe Nichols, which was our first dance:

A yellow two piece, black Ray Bans
Your bare feet covered in sand
White jet trails across the blue sky
Your ponytail showing off the sunshine
Like a postcard, out of nowhere
You get to me, you give me that smile and

I'm somewhere, somewhere sunny and 75
You and me on a beach chair
Yeah, I'm so there every time I look in your eyes
Kissing you and the salt air
I can taste it, I swear
Take me somewhere sunny and 75

It doesn't take much for you to move me
Just the way you're leaning into me
It's a holiday when we're together
I wanna stay with you forever

Somewhere, somewhere sunny and 75
You and me on a beach chair
Yeah, I'm so there every time I look in your eyes
Kissing you and the salt air
I can taste it, I swear
Take me somewhere sunny and 75

You're like the fast lane West bound
You feel like a windows rolled down
I cant wait until we get there, somewhere

Somewhere sunny and 75
You and me on a beach chair
Yeah, I'm so there every time I look in your eyes
Kissing you and the salt air
I can taste it, I swear
Take me somewhere sunny and 75

Tasty, Tasty Changes

As it turns out, our wedding will be a bit more intimate than my honey and I had initially anticipated. While there are emotional moments over who will or will not be sharing the Big Day with us, there is one unanticipated perk of slimming down our number of guests.

Our cake is shrinking. Not in the Alice in Wonderland sense, but because my honey and I don't necessarily want to feel obligated to consume large amounts of leftover Wedding Cake in the less-than-24-hours between when our Wedding ends and our Honeymoon begins. What this means is that the dynamic of our cake is changing. Instead of having more of the chocolate peanut butter than our other two flavors, we now have equal portions of all three (we couldn't stand to eliminate either the strawberries and cream or the red velvet to reduce the total amount of cake). Which means that the top tier of our cake doesn't have to be chocolate peanut butter cake. Which means that our "ceremonial" cake cutting doesn't have to be chocolate peanut butter cake. Which drastically reduces the chances of me getting upset about my honey smearing chocolate peanut butter cake all over me. Which is going to reduce my stress and lead to a much more enjoyable time. Hooray!

I Have A Dream (#3)

With the Wedding looming closer every day (terribly profound, I know) and only 11 days to go, it seems natural that my unconscious would be focusing on the Big Day. This was another dream that was short and to the point: we were all at the Venue on the Big Day. But I didn't have any of my stuff with me; no Shoes, no Dress, no Accessories. Apparently I'd thought I would have enough time to go home and get everything (not a chance--it's a two hour round trip (it's a dream, it doesn't have to make sense)). And then (big surprise) I didn't have time. Which is probably when I woke up, as I don't remember anything past that.

When my Honey got up this morning, he asked me if I'd had a bad dream. I told him I didn't think so and asked why. Apparently I was somewhat panicked when I awakened in the night. So of course, on the Big Day, I will check and re-check to make sure I have everything before we leave.

Tears

At my second Dress fitting, my Mommy wanted to go over a lot of details. Have we confirmed with the Florist? The Cake? How are we doing with getting back our RSVP cards? Have we settled the Suit versus Tux debate?

While I was wearing the Dress, she asked "Do you have your something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue? Obviously you have the something new, that's your dress... Are you borrowing that cake cutter from your friend?" I am, although I don't think a cake cutter necessarily cuts it (sorry, I couldn't resist) in terms of the Something Borrowed. You're supposed to wear the old/new/etc, right? My Mommy had previously offered to let me borrow something that had been my Dad's. It's old, so I was figured I could use it as a two-for-one. I think I'll take her up on wearing it. As soon as the words started to come out of my mouth, water started to well up someplace else. Next thing I knew, someone was handing me a wad of toilet paper to dab at my eyes (There had been a search for a "tissue" and toilet paper was the closest thing anyone could find? In a Wedding Dress Shop? Where people presumably cry with some frequency?). On the other hand, the Big Day should be a happy event, and I would definitely be less emotional about just borrowing the cake cutter. Thankfully, I still have three whole weeks to make a decision about that.

At least the blue is easy. It's the color of my garter.

Focus

With just three weeks to go before the Big Day, my nerves started to get to me today. I may have freaked out a little and gotten stressed out about details. And then I took a deep breath and reminded myself of something: 

As long as I have my Honey, everything else is just a bonus.

So I'm okay.

Shoes!

When I had my Dress fitting and didn't have my Shoes, it sparked something in me: I needed Shoes. Fast. I already had something in mind, but I didn't have anything in the flesh (or in the heel, as might be more fitting (hahaha)). I was planning to wear (new, white) flip flops for the majority of the Big Day (they're going to be under a dress... who's going to notice?) and a pair of heels for a short while. And then I realized that my honey is going to be all dressed up, so maybe I should put on pretty shoes for the whole event, except that heels are not something I want to wear for 6+ hours. 

So, I made a quick trip to my favorite shoe store and ended up purchasing a pair of Shoes. A couple, in fact. I bought a new pair of sneakers to wear on our Honeymoon (in a prettier color than boring black, like my other sneakers) and a pair of heels for the Big Day. I hadn't meant to. I already had heels that I was planning to wear (the same ones I wore in our Engagement Photos, naturally). But this new pair was a better color for matching my accessories, so I had to get them, of course. They're also terribly fitting to wear for a wedding: they say "Love Kills Slowly" in a lovely, color-coordinated script. Ironic, no?

Not Your Typical Love Triangle

One of my favorite classes in college was the Psychology of Relationships. And one of my favorite parts of the class (and there were many) was the Triangular Theory of Love, which was created by Robert Sternberg. According to the theory, there are three different components of Love, and Love can be found in any combination of its three components.

The first component is Intimacy, or a feeling of closeness.
The second component is Passion, or romantic or sexual attraction.
The third component is Commitment, or dedication to making the relationship last.

Companionate Love is Love with Intimacy and Commitment, but lacking Passion.
Fatuous Love is Love with Passion and Intimacy, but lacking Commitment.
Romantic Love is Love with Commitment and Passion, but lacking Intimacy.

The greatest form of Love is called (quite appropriately) Consummate Love. This is the Love that combines all three components: closeness, attraction, and dedication. This is the type of Love we all strive for. The theory states (hypothesizes, really) that every relationship is in a constant state of flux, and that it is natural to go through phases of feeling more or less of each component of Love at different times. The key to making a relationship succeed is recognizing this and accepting it for what it is, instead of abandoning ship, which is what our culture of instant gratification would suggest.

How about a Postscript: Looking back at my relationship history, I can honestly say that I have experienced each of the aforementioned types of Love. My honey may be the first person with whom I have shared Consummate Love, and I look forward to every day we get to share.

The Dress, Uncovered

I got a phone call the other day from a number I didn't recognize. I was greeted by name, but couldn't figure out how the caller was trying to identify herself. I asked her to repeat: this time I got her name, but not how she thought I knew her. The third time's the charm: "HiThisIsFlaviaFromBridesByDemetrios." Of course, who else could it have been? Now that I knew who I was talking to, I was able to move on to the juicy part of the call. My Wedding Dress had arrived and I needed to come in for my first fitting. Their earliest available appointment happened to be on my next day off, so I scheduled the appointment, thanked Flavia (who at some point paused to take a breath), hung up and immediately called my Mommy.

This was an appointment I wanted help with.

On the day of the appointment, I met my Mommy at the store, gave her some things I had picked up for the Big Day, got some things she'd brought for me (pretty typical of a meeting with my Mommy) and we headed into the store.

Now, a first fitting for a Wedding Dress isn't something you can do on the fly. It requires some serious planning. You have to go to the appointment fully outfitted with whatever undergarments you are planning to wear with the Dress, and (obviously) your Shoes. Luckily, Victoria's Secret recently sent me a coupon for a free pair of undies (I don't mind saying that white undies aren't really my style, and I'd rather not have any crazy colors or patterns showing through my white Dress) so I dragged my honey to VS (he's going to see the chosen undies eventually, and I don't want him to think they're lame) and picked out a pair of cute lacy undies in plain old white to wear and not show through my Dress. I didn't think I wanted to wear a bra under the Dress (it has enough padding and cushioning and support to keep everything in place, not that I have so very much to begin with) but I decided to take a strapless bra with me to the appointment. Just in case. 

And then there are the Shoes. Have I purchased Wedding Shoes? I have not. I had been planning to wear flip flops (it's going to be hot in wine country in the summer, and I hate wearing uncomfortable shoes), but my Mommy convinced me that I should have a cute pair of heels, at least for part of the festivities. So I brought both.

Which brings us back to the fitting. Finally. We'd purchased the Dress in the appropriate size, but it still needed to be tweaked a bit. They're taking in a little at the boobs (sorry, Honey), a little at the hips, and a little off the length (why are Wedding Dresses designed for women who are 5'9"? That is not the average height of American women...). Mommy agreed 100% with all of my chosen adjustments. And, of course, she took pictures (that no one gets to see until after the Big Day). And then we get to go back in a couple of weeks to make sure everything's perfect. Sounds pretty perfect so far.

Serendipity

Shortly after my previous post (trash-talking a Florist, if you haven't read it yet), I needed to go to the grocery store. One of my preferred grocery stores is adjacent to a Florist. Since I was so close, I figured I should stop by the Florist, if only to buy a couple of flowers to create a sample centerpiece from.

I have been to this particular Florist before, and they carry a wide variety of tropical flowers (my favorites). While I was looking at their selection, the Florist asked me if I had any questions. As a matter of fact, I did: "Do you do weddings?" Not only do they do weddings, they are completely open on the Big Day. The Florist and I started to plan a time for me to come back for a consultation, but we ended up just doing the consultation in the moment. She seemed pretty excited about doing the flowers for our wedding, which definitely got me excited. It's almost like it was meant to be.

Flowerful

I met with a Florist. Finally.

When I got to the flower shop, it wasn't what I expected. There were fake flowers outside (oh, no) and very few actual flowers on display anywhere in the shop. And none of the flowers I saw in my scan of the shop were even remotely tropical (which are pretty much the only flowers I want). At this point, I was feeling more than a little apprehensive. Or maybe skeptical would be a better word.

I sat down with the Florist in her office (a bright yellow, which was slightly reassuring) and she had me fill out a general form. Then we got to the juicy stuff. I showed her a photo of the bouquet I want. She wanted to know how I wanted the bouquet wrapped. Honestly, that hadn't even registered on my list of Important Things, so I told her to keep it simple. She didn't like my idea for bridesmaid bouquets, but her counter-idea was reasonable, so I told her to go with that. Is there a flower girl? I don't know. Corsages for the Moms? I don't know.

I said I had two kinds of flowers I wanted for the Big Day: the ones in the bouquet and one other variety. She had never heard of the other variety and disagreed with my Plan for both the ceremony space and the centerpieces. 

All in all, it was not a hugely successful meeting. But I may have limited options in terms of Florists that will be available for the Big Day in six weeks. We shall see.

A Quote

I have many favorite quotes, seemingly one for every occasion. One that seems to come to mind frequently with my honey (and several other wonderful people in my life) is the following:

"If you want to know who your real friends are, start telling your craziest idea to everyone you meet. Some people will slowly back away from you as if you really are crazy, but others will latch on to your idea and help you any way they can. The people in the second group are your real friends." ~A Brief Guide to World Domination by Chris Guillebeau (p7)

Not only has my honey latched on to all of my crazy ideas (some of them are pretty effing crazy), he has also tried to improve on them and increase their feasibility. He tries to make my dreams a reality, no matter how crazy those dreams may be. Like writing a blog. Or extreme multi-tasking, which is my current order of business. Have I mentioned how great he is?

What Friends Are For

With the help of one of my bridesmaids, I may finally have a handle on bridesmaid dresses. Not that I haven't been looking for them: I've scoured various stores and gone shopping with both my Mommy and one of my bridesmaids (my adorable Niece). I just really haven't been all that impressed by anything I've seen. And then I had a revelation.

This is the age of technology.

Oh yeah. The Internet. I've heard of that. I've even done shopping on it before. And set up a Honeymoon Registry (http://www.honeyfund.com/wedding/bonnieandnick if you're curious).

I've done some perusing of dresses on the Internet and been both underwhelmed and overwhelmed by what I've seen. A couple of trends have emerged regarding the dresses I find most appealing, one from the in-real-life shopping, one from the web, and one from common sense.

Trend #1: Green is good. 
                  (easy to match with my colors... what are my colors, again?)
Trend #2: Chiffon is good. 
                  (not too formal; nice and light for the summer)
Trend #3: Short is good.
                  (have I mentioned my honey and I are having a summer wedding?)

From here flow a few more important factors when it comes to bridesmaid dresses. I have only two bridesmaids. One of them is my Niece (Friends of the groom, don't even think about it. You have been warned. You will be warned again.) The other is my good friend. They are separated by more than a decade. What looks good on one might not be right for the other, and they likely don't have quite the same taste in dresses. And honestly, bridesmaid dresses aren't the most important part of the Big Day. As long as they look good, that is. Why would anyone want ugly dresses in their wedding photos?

Here's my solution: Give both of my lovely ladies the same color to work with and tell them each to pick out their favorite chiffon short dress. I like it.

Panic Sets In

Our wedding is barely more than two months away, and I'm starting to freak out. Not about getting married--I'm completely confident about that. I'm freaking out because I feel like I have so many things left to do and am literally running out of time. Here's a summary:

For the wedding: We still don't have a florist. Or table coverings. Or wedding favors. Or a guest book. Or a variety of other things I'm sure my Mommy will remind me of when I see her today.

For the honeymoon: I sent money to the travel agent yesterday to confirm our trip, and haven't heard from him since. We booked a flight and got travel insurance, and my honey isn't sure his work will let him go to the countries we're planning to visit.

I also just started graduate school and am trying to find time for class, homework, work, wedding stuff, and eating from time to time. To top it off, we got a final notice from the City that our condo's management company hasn't paid our water bill in three months, so they might turn off our water. Which would save time on showers...

And I'm off! Today's mission: bridesmaid dress shopping with my niece, and maybe figure out this thing called make-up.

Eat Me

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. We've all heard it. And that works out just fine for me, because I wholeheartedly enjoy making food. Especially baking. Mmmm. It actually may not work out as well for my honey, who is one of those men who likes to work out. Or something to that effect.

In Cooked, Michael Pollan discusses (what else?) the variety of ways in which we process our food before consumption. He sneaks some useful tidbits about relationships in there, too. 

Cooking meat outside over a fire has traditionally been a man's job (going back to the hunter in hunter-gatherer societies), and remains a socially acceptable form of food preparation for men to engage in. The simplest way to get a man into the kitchen is to put him in charge of the meat. (On a side note, my honey has prepared ribs with a dry rub that he'll be cooking for us tonight; I'm pretty excited about it.)

Cooking (and eating cooked food) is, at its core, a social activity. It is a great way to bring people together and reinforce a sense of community at the end of a day. The microwave "meal" is inherently isolating. As is a phenomenon known as "secondary eating" (a fancy term for snacking). Secondary eating is the eating that we do while watching a movie or reading a book or engaged in any other activity as our primary focus. This type of eating greatly increases caloric intake: if we're not paying attention to what we're eating, we eat more.

Since sharing is such an important part of eating, I've been playing with the idea of putting recipe cards in our invitations and compiling a wedding recipe book featuring favorites from our friends and family. I don't know how it would work on a practical level, but I think it would be fun if I can figure it out.

On an unrelated note, there is a new theory emerging about the origins of agriculture. This theory suggests that agriculture did not develop as a way to reliably feed ourselves (the diet of hunter-gatherers could actually have been more nutritious, as it contained a greater variety of foodstuffs), but as a way to reliably intoxicate ourselves. Cheers!

Capturing the Moment

We have a photographer. And a DJ.

My honey and I had discussed photographers already: that was something for me to be in charge of. He wants to focus on having a good time during our wedding, and I'd also like to have a good way to store the memories for later. Like on a disc (or several) full of pictures. After about a week of emailing back and forth with a Photographer, we agreed to set up an in-person meeting to make sure it was a good fit. We sat down with her in her studio (not what I was expecting--a plain storefront tucked in the corner of an industrial strip mall near a hospital) to discuss what we were looking for in a Photographer. My honey and I are both concerned that too many posed photos would take away from the actual enjoyment of the event, and that we'd much prefer candid shots. The Photographer described this as Capturing the Moment and said that those also happen to be her favorites. Then she wanted to know more about us as a couple and about our plans for the Big Day.

The Photographer asked "Band or DJ?"
And my honey said "We have a DJ."
I turned to him and said "We do?"

Apparently so. He'd wanted one of his friends to DJ for us, but the friend had said he was unable due to a prior commitment. That was the last I'd heard until we were sitting with the Photographer. The DJ's other plans had fallen through, so he would be happy to DJ for us. Okay, cool.

I think that qualifies as two birds with one stone. Or close enough.

Stuff

My honey and I decided we wanted to do a Honeymoon Registry instead of a Gift Registry. Gift Registries are basically just Stuff. Believe me when I say that we don't need any more Stuff. We already have plenty of Stuff. In fact, I spend a significant amount of time trying to reduce the amount of Stuff in our home. Which never seems to work as well as I would like it to. We're like Stuff magnets.

What we don't have is a Honeymoon. We'd like to have one of those. I mean we'd really like to. We want to go on a Once-In-A-Lifetime kind of Honeymoon (which I guess is what all Honeymoons should be; you don't plan on having multiple occasions for a Honeymoon). 

My honey and I enjoy watching the Discovery Channel. We're big fans of Shark Week. We agreed that at some point, we'd like to make our way to South Africa to see the great white sharks breach at Seal Island. Our Honeymoon seemed like the perfect opportunity. The downside to traveling to South Africa? It's not an inexpensive place to visit, and neither of us exactly has high-paying jobs. Hence, the Honeymoon Registry.

Another snag in the planning: our travel agent said No. There was no possible way for the travel agency to do a Honeymoon Registry. I might have started crying at this point. The travel agent said (sympathetically?) "You were really counting on that." Clearly. See previous comments regarding Stuff. After I got home from my visit with the travel agent, I talked to my honey and my mom, both of whom had the same brilliant suggestion: "can't you just set up a Honeymoon Registry online?" Oh, yeah. Problem solved.

Another Book Review (#4)

I'd like to preface this one by stating that this book has some good insights, even if the title is downright awful. I bought the book a long time ago, after a bad breakup (which it completely reaffirmed). The title is (deep breath) Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. That being said, my honey isn't Mr. Good Enough. He's Mr. Pretty Damn Great. If every guy were like him, we wouldn't need a book like this (actually, we would, because some women would be dissatisfied regardless), although it does have some interesting ideas anyway:

Be realistic. Many women today have "a heightened sense of entitlement that previous generations didn't have. Our mothers might have wished, but certainly didn't expect, that their husbands would constantly want to please them, be attracted to them, entertain them, enjoy sharing all their interests, and be the most charming person in the room. Instead, they knew that marriage involved failing health, aging, boredom, periods of stress and disconnection, annoying habits, issues with children, and hardships and misunderstandings of all sorts. But many women today seem to be looking for an idealized spiritual union instead of a realistic marital partnership" (131).

Be positive. "In successful relationships, couples appreciate each other's good points instead of focusing on the flaws" (134).

Be satisfied. "The people who got married younger, who knew how to compromise and negotiate and sustain a marriage, are likely less demanding than those who felt they couldn't find anyone good enough. They tend to be better partners and parents. They're probably much more enjoyable to live with over the course of fifty years. All the more reason not only to seek out a satisficer [satisficer: a person who keeps something that is good enough versus continuing to search for something that is perfect], but to be one yourself" (154).

Be accepting. "It's not about changing the other person; it's about accepting things about the other person that you'd like to change, but can't" (175). Obviously this doesn't apply to things like drug addiction--that's just crazy talk.

Be understanding. "Even our best friends don't meet all our needs. That's why we have many close friends, not just one. So why does a husband have to be an überfriend who meets every need and shares every interest? Who can handle that kind of pressure?" (207).

Be domestic. "What makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you're married, it's not so much about whom you want to go on a tropical vacation with; it's about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn't a constant passion-fest; it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane nonprofit business" (227). Now doesn't that sound appealing.

Be happy. "Married people are happier overall" (243).

Be enough. "Husbands are life partners, not life savers. A full 50 percent of marital satisfaction is up to you, but many women don't see it that way" (249).

Be aware. "Research has shown that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of 'incompatibility' or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life 'around' them--to love in spite of their areas of difference.... If we switch partners, we'll just get ten new areas of disagreement" (275).

Believe. "Soul mates are a beautiful notion to believe in once it happens. But it's a dangerous thing to believe in before you've found the person you've decided to spend your life with. In reality, there are many people we could be happy with--it's just that your soul develops in different ways with different people" (286).

The Sweetest!

We've all heard that the third time's the charm. At least this time it turned out to be true.

Our third cake tasting took place in an unlikely location: a coffee shop. Believe it or not, this  particular coffee shop has actually won awards for its wedding cakes. But so had the other cakeries we'd been to. It had excellent reviews. But so had the other cakeries. The pictures on their website looked great, but so had the other cakeries. They had their prices listed online, and they were the only one.

And the prices didn't seem that scary. And that was a little scary. But it never hurts to taste the cake, and so we went.

We tried fifteen cakes, and they were all good--even the carrot cake, and we don't usually like carrot cake. My honey and I were able to agree on three flavors that were our favorites: chocolate with peanut butter filling, red velvet (with no nuts, per my honey's request), and strawberries and cream. Presumably these are all different enough that everyone will be able to find an agreeable flavor. And if not, well then that's just too bad for them.

There will be delicious buttercream and no fondant. And fresh flowers on the cake (assuming I can find a florist, which I can). And we even got a discount because my honey's in the military. Score!

The Ring(s)

We have our wedding bands. Check that off the to-do list.

During my internet search for the perfect engagement ring, I stumbled across some pretty cool wedding bands, too. I showed them to my honey and asked for his opinion. We had the same favorite part of the bands, which is the material. They're titanium, which, in addition to the awesome connection to Greek mythology, is supposedly one of the sturdiest of the metals (i.e. scratch resistant) which I see as a definite plus. For both of us.

Beyond that, there were lots of options. My honey and I each picked out our favorite texture: his has striations that make it look rugged (a perfect fit) and mine is simple and polished. We both got the comfort fit option, obviously (who would pick uncomfortable, really?). 

And now for the really cool part: we each picked a color for the inside of our rings. The craftsman making them oxidizes the metal on the interior of the band to make it pretty much any color of the rainbow. My honey went with deep blue and I went with sky blue. 

So our rings kind of match, but not too much. We're still individuals with our own personalities and opinions. And I think these rings definitely reflect that.

When we went to get sized for our wedding rings, the Jeweler tried several different sizes on my honey. When the Jeweler found the one that fit best, he looked at me and said, "He's a 10!" Of course he is, but do we really have to keep encountering wedding professionals who insist on cliches? It's like The Dress all over again.

No Regrets

People keep offering me their opinions about what constitutes the perfect wedding. I know they mean well. The funny thing is that they all voice their opinions in the same way: "I don't want you to regret (insert opinion here)." But I'll let you in on a secret.

I'm not making big decisions on the fly. I have thought about things like who to invite and who will be walking me down the aisle. In fact, I've thought about both of these things a lot, both recently and even before I was planning my wedding. My logic may not be clear to the people voicing their alternate opinions, but it is crystal clear to me. I am planning my wedding to maximize my (and my honey's) enjoyment of the event and overall happiness. Period.

And I think that's how it should be.

It's A Date!

In addition to working full time and planning my wedding, this summer I'm also starting graduate school. Last night, I went to orientation for the program, where they gave us some of the dates when we'll be meeting in person. To better accommodate everyone's schedules, there are two choices for every session: Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend. One of the first dates happens to be the same date as my wedding.

I raised my hand: "One of these days is mandatory? So we have to be there either Saturday or Sunday? I'm getting married that Saturday." And I can think of a bazillion things I'd rather be doing the day after my wedding than spending all day in class. Like getting ready for my honeymoon.

This is what came next:

"We have several excellent wedding venues here" (from one of the men associated with the program, obviously).

The program facilitator chimed in: "I'm sure we can work something out."

Excellent, because I would hate to have to postpone getting a graduate degree because of my wedding. Or get married in the same location where I will be getting the aforementioned degree.

Even Sweeter!

Yesterday was our second cake tasting. This time, the bakery was recommended by the Event Coordinator at our Venue. The place was called Tasteful Cakes, which seemed promising, especially since lack of taste was our concern with last week's tasting.

The cakes really were tasteful. We only got six varieties: strawberry, dulce de leche, chocolate mousse, peach, raspberry lemon, coconut pineapple. The first three were the clear winners, and we pretty much scraped those off the plate. We looked through their book while scraping, and found one cake that seemed like a good choice: it was pretty simple, with a pattern of frosting dots that would be easy to do with our color scheme.

Here's the downside: this cake, with three tiers (which feeds 100 people), will cost $785. Excuse me? They charge by the serving, and it's $7.50 per serving (which I would have thought would be $750, so I'm apparently missing $35 somewhere). Their prices range from $5 to $13 per serving, and on the cake we liked, "you're paying for the pattern." It wasn't even much of a pattern. The cake with the gold leaf accents would definitely be on the $13 list.

We walked away because of the price tag. I knew wedding cake would be more expensive than non-wedding cake, but I would much rather spend that money on something more important than a cake that people probably won't put too much thought into eating.

A slight departure from last week's thoughts on cake, I know. But who in their right mind wants to pay $785 for a cake? Or $750; I still don't see where the extra $35 comes in.

Sweet!

Our first cake tasting was today. We had a 2pm appointment, but the owner's husband (who's self-proclaimed job title was "Cake Boy") called me yesterday to ask if we could come in at 1pm instead because they had so many cakes to deliver today that he had to rent extra delivery trucks and help deliver cakes himself and he hated to do this and it just made him so upset to inconvenience us etc etc. I assured him it was not a problem, and we walked in the door at about 1:15 (there are entirely too many Torrey Pines Roads in La Jolla).

There were two other groups of people tasting cakes when we arrived (cake morsels would be more accurate; each group was given a two-bite-sized piece of each of a dozen different flavors). One group consisted of a bride, groom, bride's mom, and bride's friend. The other group was just a bride and her mom. The bride of the larger group had dressed up for the occasion, which I found a bit odd, although, technically I was dressed up, too, in a white tank top given to me by a friend, which reads "Bride" across the chest (I know it's cheesy; deal with it).

Cake Boy was very chatty (in other words good at his job as a salesman). For the inconvenience of making us reschedule, he would give us a free Groom's Cake for my honey and his groomsmen. If we decided to purchase our cake from them, obviously. I suspected we would have gotten that deal anyway, as he felt like my honey was a kindred spirit as a fellow member of the Navy (in Cake Boy's case, during Vietnam). He gave us our plate of cake morsels and described each one. They had all the usual suspects (chocolate mousse, carrot cake, raspberry, lemon, strawberry, red velvet) as well as some different choices (chocolate peanut butter (at which my honey started paying closer attention), coconut, pineapple poppyseed, peach). We were left to peruse the cake books while eating and discussing. 

Looking through the books, there was a lot of fondant. The one thing we had agreed before going in was No Fondant. It may look pretty, but it's barely edible, so why bother? We found one cake in the book that we were both agreeable to, with some possible alterations. 

After we finished eating cake, I asked my honey "What'd you think?" He responded with "It was alright" which pretty much summed up how I was feeling. The cake was decent, but not spectacular. My honey was more agreeable to the cake than I was, even after his mediocre response. His thought was that if it wasn't bad, we should get it. My thought was that if we were going to spend (I'm predicting) several hundred dollars on a cake, it has to be better than only okay: it better be the best damn cake I've ever tasted.

And so we left empty handed, with matching sugar-induced headaches, to try another bakery on another day.

Mommy and Me

Today I went to visit my mom. We decided to take the opportunity to work on one of the details we haven't touched yet: flowers. 

She's previously told me one of her ideas: for the ceremony space, put jars full of flowers hanging from shepherds hooks running down the aisle. When she showed me the jars she'd bought for this purpose, I chose to focus on the obvious flaw, which was the outlandish color. Today, we got to the real issue.

I've known what flowers I want in my wedding since before I knew the groom. All little girls fantasize about what their wedding dress is going to be like, right? At least that's what someone told me. I didn't have a dream dress picked out, or a dream man (although I definitely have both of those now), but I did have dream flowers. Think tropical. A few orchids, some ginger, probably a lot of greenery. While I've told my mom this in the abstract, today we went to a florist so I could actually show her. I scribbled down their prices and we went on to what I'll call the Everything Store (Random Crap Store would be equally descriptive) to look at vases. We found ones that I like, bought the entire supply, and my honey and I will be (hopefully, if I can convince him to come with me) going to the closer-to-home location of the Everything Store to get just a few more vases to put on our reception tables, and then we still need to find a good price on things to put in them. Still plenty of time for that. At least we got one thing accomplished.

And my flowers will look quite lovely tied onto the sides of the chairs going down the aisle. They wouldn't really fit into jars. Sorry, Mommy.

Another Book Review (#3)

The book is called How We Decide, written by Jonah Lehrer. I lost count of how many people asked me, while reading, "so how did you decide to read the book? hehe." Grow some originality. The topic was fascinating, if the title became a bit of a joke. Following are some of the finer points.

For most of human history, reason has been considered superior to emotion. Science has now shown this to be untrue: emotion is necessary for reasoning and decision-making. People who experience damage to the orbitofrontal cortex (the part of the brain most responsible for our emotions) have an inability to make decisions. This is, in fact, completely false. "From the perspective of the human brain, Homo sapiens is the most emotional animal of all" (18). In fact, it is most often the strength of our emotions that allows us to make the best decisions.

"For the human mind, bad is stronger than good. This is why in marital interactions, it generally takes at least five kind comments to compensate for one critical comment" (81). We humans experience something called a negativity bias, which is the fancy schmancy science-y way of saying exactly the same thing. Good to know.

Avoid over-thinking: this can be one of my downfalls. "It's dangerous to rely exclusively on [reason]. When the rational brain hijacks the mind, people tend to make all sorts of decision-making mistakes. [...] Instead of going with the option that feels the best, a person starts going with the option that sounds the best, even if it's a very bad idea" (140). Most often, decision-making is a battle between different parts of the brain. To completely ignore one part and rely solely on another is to fail our evolutionary background. Being able to think about our thinking process is one of the greatest strengths of our brains and allows us to (hopefully) avoid making mistakes. As it happens, emotions are better at assessing our inherent preferences than conscious thinking is.

To put it mildly, my honey and I aren't in agreement with regard to politics. He's from Texas (read: conservative) and I'm from California (definitely liberal). I love him anyway, but I'm always secretly hoping he'll see the light and come over from the dark side (I'm sure he feels the same about me). According to one study, "the reason knowing more about politics doesn't erase partisan bias is that voters tend to assimilate only those facts that confirm what they already believe. If a piece of information doesn't follow Republican talking points [...] then the information is conveniently ignored. Voters think that they're thinking, but what they're really doing is inventing facts or ignoring fats so that they can rationalize decisions they've already made" (206). Alrighty, then. Apparently, I can't change his mind any more than he can change mine. Deep down, I already knew this.

One more thing. "People in good moods are significantly better at solving hard problems that require insight than people who are cranky and depressed" (246). Insight, incidentally, occurs when the brain connects old thoughts or ideas in new ways. Basically, relax, don't stress, and good things will happen. Cheers!

Good Morning!

I was never a morning person. Exactly the opposite: I was the one staying up late to watch SNL, go to a movie premier, or even finish a good book at 3am. I took a class on this in college. The course title was Circadian Rhythms; it was about the biological clock that exists inside every living thing (even fungi) and regulates when our bodies want to be awake or asleep, or what kinds of activities we should be doing. It was a pretty cool class (maybe not the bit about the fungi). Did you know that your biological clock is what keeps you from having to get up in the middle of the night to poop? Now you do. You're welcome.

One day, the professor of this class was talking about sleep patterns. He said, "I used to be a night owl just like most of you. I'd stay up all night and then sleep til noon. And then one day, I couldn't. I woke up at 6am, couldn't go back to sleep, and it's been that way ever since. It'll probably happen to you someday." When you're in your third year of college, you think "yeah, right." And then it does.

My honey has to leave for work at 6:30 every morning. In order to accomplish this, he needs to go to bed by around 9 or 10 (depending on what's on tv--he'll stay up late for a new episode of Vikings or Walking Dead). This typically hasn't been my cup of tea, but I happen to believe that going to bed at the same time is one of the things that strengthens our relationship (what can I say? I'm a cuddler). Even if I'm not tired, I'll make the effort. And I've noticed something: I'm getting up earlier. And I don't hate it.

Most days, I'm showered and dressed by 8. And I've taken the dog out. And given the appropriate foods and medications to the appropriate animals. And maybe even caught up on last night's Colbert Report. Or written a blog post. I'm still amazed at how much I can get done in the morning when I would otherwise have been still snoozing. Before work today, I'll even be able to go to the DMW to register the Jeep. Hopefully. With the DMW, you never know.

Whirlwind

After (admittedly) not making a whole lot of progress with wedding planning since The Dress, today has been a veritable whirlwind of activity. 

Part One

I had a meeting with the Winery's Event Coordinator this morning. As my honey had to work this morning, I took my Mommy along for guidance and moral support (this was the first time I've actually met with the Event Coordinator; previously we've just emailed). We discussed all sorts of details. Skipping the traditional formal wedding seating and having a more lounge-y setup instead? No problem. Candles on the tables? No problem. Need suggestions for a florist? No problem. Buffet? Now, that's a problem.

Huh? Why is having a Buffet such a catastrophe? If we're not having a seating chart or tables of ten, how would we not have a Buffet? 

She says we can have a Station instead. I have no idea what that means, and somewhat of a disagreement ensues. Finally she explains what a Station is: a table with various types of food on it (which we've already picked out and discussed with the (possibly) Chef), with servers on one side and guests holding plates on the other. This sounds oddly exactly like a Buffet to me, so she expounds further. In a Buffet, people can go back for seconds so there has to be extra food; in a Station, people only get to go once, so we don't need to have extra food. Okie dokie. We can call it a Station if she wants to, but it's still a Buffet. Just not an all-you-can-eat Buffet. Problem solved.

Part Two

I've already discussed the difference between Yours, Mine, and Ours. The current example: "Do you want to take your car or my car?" Every. Single. Day. If we take my car, I drive, because it puts me on edge whenever anyone else drives my car (yes, even the man I'm going to marry--I'm working on it). If we take his car, he drives, because it has a Manual Transmission which I have yet to master (I had my first lesson in his Camaro, which has too much power and scared the snot out of me--again, I'm working on it). 

We've agreed that it would probably be easier if we had an Our car for running errands and going on road trips and such. Not something too expensive; we still want to save money up to buy a home. Probably used. He's been scouring Craigslist (for vehicles, duh) for a couple of months. The possibilities are endless: do we want a truck so we can haul stuff when we do end up doing the house thing, or do we want a hatchback so we can have the hauling capacity and good fuel economy, or do we want a Jeep so we don't have to worry about annoyances like whether or not we're on a road? 

We bought one today. It's old and needs a lot of TLC, but overall it's a good little Jeep. I'm sure my honey will do a majority of the work on it, but it will be our first big project together. That's right: Ours.

Part Three

My right hand was severely wounded the other day by one of the furry beasties (apparently cat mouths are havens for germs and thus get infected and require antibiotics even when you thought you'd cleaned it pretty freaking thoroughly). The swelling resulted in an inability to properly hold a pen, but I can finally do that again without too terribly much discomfort. Which means I get to address our Save the Date cards today (I have better handwriting than my honey; it's a girl thing). And by today, I mean right now. Ta!

I Have Another Dream (#2)

This dream takes place now, midway through April, but for some reason our wedding date is only a week and a half away (don't worry Mom... we're not planning anything sneaky like that). Planning-wise, we're exactly where we really are: no cake, no flowers, no plan, and I'm frantic that we can't possibly get everything done in time. We end up at Michaels trying to buy vases and fake (gag) flowers. The end.

Short, sweet, and to the point. And I probably have my Mommy to thank for it. On the phone a week ago, she told me that she feels like we're not making any progress in terms of wedding planning. I'd figured that we were doing pretty well: venue, food, dress, guest list (with addresses), save the date cards at the printer. Not bad for a month and a half.

Last night she emailed me pictures of bridesmaid dresses that she likes because I've been slacking off (by working and trying to convince my furred roommates to get along... not as easy as it sounds). Honestly, bridesmaid dresses aren't my top priority right now: I'd like my kitty bites to heal first. And we're going to be doing wedding stuff on Friday anyway.

'Stache

I am not a fan of mustaches. Never have been. Never will be. I think they look ridiculous on just about everyone: men, women, children, and anyone else I've left out. My honey knows this and takes advantage of it just to bug me.

The first time I saw a picture of my honey with a mustache, I laughed out loud (he was clean-shaven when we met). I think he looks super sexy with a beard (there's a first time for everything; facial hair really doesn't work on everybody), but when he shaved off his beard and left the 'stache (it was "Movember"), I cringed. It looks so creepy on him that I have nicknamed it the Molestache.

Unfortunately, he has decided (or so he says) that he wants the Molestache to appear at our wedding. Wedding pictures featuring a creepy mustache? No, thank you. About a week ago, he started shaving around the Molestache, supposedly to get it nice and thick for our wedding. If you look closely in our photos from this weekend, which are going to appear on our Save the Date cards, you'll see it.

When he kissed me goodbye on his way to work this morning, I felt something.

"You shaved it?"
"Mmhmm."
"You mean you just grew it so it would be in the picture for our Save the Date cards?"
"Yup."

Thankfully, this means I may not see the Molestache again for a little while. Unless my honey decides (erroneously) that it would be cool to go for the "Spring 'Stache." Sigh.

Saving the Date

By some miracle, I didn't have to work this weekend. My honey always has weekends off, so this meant that we had a weekend to spend together. It was a great opportunity for an adventure, and I also wanted to take advantage of the daylight hours to take care of something we've been putting off. 

With our wedding date approaching quickly (less than five months away!), we need to either send out Save the Date cards ASAP or just say the hell with it. Which we can't really afford to do, as most of our invitees will need to make arrangements of some kind or another (most of my peeps need to request off from work, and most of his peeps need to book flights and/or hotel rooms). All the coolest Save the Date cards have pictures, which we are sadly short on. Hence my goal for the weekend: to combine having an adventure with taking pictures to put on cards to mail out to our friends and families.

We packed the dog off to my Mom's house, crossed our fingers that my old cat and our new cat wouldn't kill each other, and drove to Laughlin. On Saturday, we rented a Jet Ski, saw the sights (the river and the casinos and that's about it), drank a little, gambled a little, and called it a day. 

This morning we had breakfast in bed and discussed: 
"Is there anything we haven't done here?" 
"Nope." 
"Ready to go?" 
"Yep."

So we gathered our belongings and our $1.50 casino winnings from last night and headed for home. And we have a picture of us on the Jet Ski that will look great on a postcard. The consensus: our weekend getaway was a success. Now we just have to make sure all of our addresses are up to date.

Taking it to the Next Level

My honey and I have decided that it's time to take our relationship to the next level. Kids. Specifically the four-legged kind.

We've been living with one of each (a dog and a cat), both of which I brought into the relationship. So they're both more attached to me. True, my honey can walk the dog and give the cat her medication (she's old, it happens). But they're still my dog and my cat. Apparently. So we wanted something that would be ours. We tried to get another dog, but didn't find anything that quite fit the bill. We traipsed back to the shelter again (I'm surprised the people that work there haven't started to recognize us) and looked at felines. He's partial to tabbies, I'm partial to black cats (the dog is tan, the old kitty is white; why not round out the color palette?), but we agreed that personality is most important.

We walked through the shelter, looking in the little windows, trying to decide who seemed like a cool cat. We wrote down a couple tag numbers, did a couple of meet and greets, and decided we needed more time to think. And not under the (somewhat depressing) industrial lights of the shelter. Lunch and a cocktail? Perfect. With soccer and lacrosse in the background (what kind of eatery was this? I should have been wary of the sign outside that said 'bar and kitchen'), we discussed our favorite cat that we'd met.

He was a young male, affectionate, curious, wanted to play with his neighbor, and all around seemed like a good guy. The drawback: he was deep brown, almost black.

"Would you want to take him home if he was a tabby?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then..."

We decided to go back and sign the paperwork to take him home. We were already thinking about names. The shelter was calling him Cole. Boring. 

The New Guy couldn't come home immediately (he was too much man, if you know what I mean), but we could get him two days later after his surgery. I knew I would be at work late, so my honey got to pick him up and bring him home (in a cardboard box that got shredded during the drive) and settle him in. It will take a while to fully integrate the New Guy into our household, but I think we made a good choice. Based on his attitude, we've agreed to call him Ninja. 

The Dress

My Mommy and I went dress shopping today. Several of my friends (or should I call them "bridesmaids?") wanted to come, too, but the problem with working an untraditional schedule is that we all have different days off, and I (finally) realized that I probably shouldn't put off dress shopping any longer. So we'll all go shopping together for bridesmaid dresses. Hopefully. I still need to decide on a color first.

We (read: I) had an appointment at 11 this morning, and I was actually prepared! I'd gone online and checked out dresses at two of the predominant vendors of wedding dresses, David's Bridal and Demetrios. I found dresses I liked at both, but probably only because I looked at the first one first. If I'd reversed the order, I probably wouldn't have liked the DB dresses as much. Too typical: lots of satin, ball gown skirts, models wearing tiaras. The other store had more nontraditional dresses, different skirt options, more fitted. The other difference between the two: price. DB had a section titled Bridal Gowns Under $600, with many under $200. The other didn't have prices listed on their site, which I generally take to be a bad sign. If you have to ask, you don't want to know, right?

Regardless, I at least wanted to try on the dresses at Demetrios. Based on the pictures, I liked them better. So I figured we could at least go look. I handed printouts of my favorite dresses to Flavia, my designated consultant (who sounded a bit like one of my supervisors, actually) and she gathered samples and then led me to a dressing nook with a curtain instead of a door. The adjoining room was more like a showroom you'd see at a car show than in a typical clothing store. After Flavia clipped me into the first dress, she directed me onto a pedestal under a glowing light in front of a floor to ceiling mirrored wall.

Flavia: "you're a little quiet. What do you think?"
Me: "I like it. I'm just a little overwhelmed." It was, after all, the first time I've put on a wedding dress during my entire 25 year existence.

I tried on several other dresses during our appointment. Mommy shared her opinions about each. At one point, I was standing on the pedestal in a poofy white dress listening to Mommy and Flavia talk about me as if I wasn't there. I finally had to remind them: "Hi! I'm right here!" Everything they were saying was positive, but still.

When I settled on the dress (which I really like), Flavia asked me "Are you saying yes to the dress?" I wrinkled my nose and told her "that's so cheesy." Mommy piped in that last night she'd watched four episodes of that particular show.

We signed on the dotted line for Dress #1. They were even having an Easter sale. And now, I don't have to worry about my wedding dress until it arrives in the beginning of August--all of three weeks before the Big Day. Three weeks is plenty of time for fittings and alterations, right?

Another Book Review (#2)

I read this book a little while ago, and was waiting for the opportune time to write about it. This week seems just about perfect, given everything that's going on with marriage and the Supreme Court. The book is called Marriage, a History and that pretty much sums up what it's about. Here are a few highlights:

• The idea of "marrying for love" wasn't really a thing until about 200 years ago. Before that, marriage was about increasing the workforce of your family: it took more than one person to run a farm or a smithy (and I don't think I've ever gotten to use the word 'smithy' in a sentence before). Traits that you looked for in a spouse included physical strength, dependability, and a large extended family.
• The Roman philosopher Seneca went so far as to say that "nothing is more impure than to love one's wife as if she were a mistress" (17).
• The Spartans were against gay marriage not because they were opposed to homosexuality, but because they believed that no Spartan man would willingly take on the harsh role of a Spartan woman.
• In many pre-Industrial Western societies, the church only bothered with the marriages of the wealthy and influential. Marriages between commoners were seldom church sanctioned, and were instead seen as valid if two people told the community that they were married. Dissolving a marriage was just as easy.
• The "male breadwinner" marriages of the 1950s could not have happened at any other time in history. After World War II, men were given higher wages than women as a way to encourage women to leave the workforce so the men returning from war would be able to find jobs.

The take-home message? There really is no such thing as "traditional marriage." Marriage is, and has always been, what you make of it.

The Big Picture

It's been a while, but I finally talked to my sister. She wanted to know everything that's going on with me, but first I wanted to know everything that's going on with her (baby sister's privilege). She and her husband and my niece and nephew are moving clear to the other side of the country in a few months. They finalized their decision earlier this week by enrolling the kids in schools over there for the fall. My sister rushed through all the details as quickly as she could. "Okay. Your turn."

What?

She thinks that my upcoming wedding is a bigger deal than her uprooting her family and moving 3,000 miles. I disagree.

Yes, mine is a big life event. I am linking my life with that of another person. I know that's a big deal. That being said, I don't know that it will have that huge of an impact on my day to day existence. My honey and I already live together. We share a Netflix account and an iTunes account. We take turns walking the dog and doing the dishes. Our finances will probably be the biggest change: we'll open a joint bank account (at his bank, because they have better interest rates than mine does) and I'll get more money back on my taxes.

Somewhere down the line, we'll (hopefully) have kids. That, I'm pretty sure, will be a bigger life-changer than tying the knot. As would moving 3,000 miles.