The Dress

My Mommy and I went dress shopping today. Several of my friends (or should I call them "bridesmaids?") wanted to come, too, but the problem with working an untraditional schedule is that we all have different days off, and I (finally) realized that I probably shouldn't put off dress shopping any longer. So we'll all go shopping together for bridesmaid dresses. Hopefully. I still need to decide on a color first.

We (read: I) had an appointment at 11 this morning, and I was actually prepared! I'd gone online and checked out dresses at two of the predominant vendors of wedding dresses, David's Bridal and Demetrios. I found dresses I liked at both, but probably only because I looked at the first one first. If I'd reversed the order, I probably wouldn't have liked the DB dresses as much. Too typical: lots of satin, ball gown skirts, models wearing tiaras. The other store had more nontraditional dresses, different skirt options, more fitted. The other difference between the two: price. DB had a section titled Bridal Gowns Under $600, with many under $200. The other didn't have prices listed on their site, which I generally take to be a bad sign. If you have to ask, you don't want to know, right?

Regardless, I at least wanted to try on the dresses at Demetrios. Based on the pictures, I liked them better. So I figured we could at least go look. I handed printouts of my favorite dresses to Flavia, my designated consultant (who sounded a bit like one of my supervisors, actually) and she gathered samples and then led me to a dressing nook with a curtain instead of a door. The adjoining room was more like a showroom you'd see at a car show than in a typical clothing store. After Flavia clipped me into the first dress, she directed me onto a pedestal under a glowing light in front of a floor to ceiling mirrored wall.

Flavia: "you're a little quiet. What do you think?"
Me: "I like it. I'm just a little overwhelmed." It was, after all, the first time I've put on a wedding dress during my entire 25 year existence.

I tried on several other dresses during our appointment. Mommy shared her opinions about each. At one point, I was standing on the pedestal in a poofy white dress listening to Mommy and Flavia talk about me as if I wasn't there. I finally had to remind them: "Hi! I'm right here!" Everything they were saying was positive, but still.

When I settled on the dress (which I really like), Flavia asked me "Are you saying yes to the dress?" I wrinkled my nose and told her "that's so cheesy." Mommy piped in that last night she'd watched four episodes of that particular show.

We signed on the dotted line for Dress #1. They were even having an Easter sale. And now, I don't have to worry about my wedding dress until it arrives in the beginning of August--all of three weeks before the Big Day. Three weeks is plenty of time for fittings and alterations, right?

Another Book Review (#2)

I read this book a little while ago, and was waiting for the opportune time to write about it. This week seems just about perfect, given everything that's going on with marriage and the Supreme Court. The book is called Marriage, a History and that pretty much sums up what it's about. Here are a few highlights:

• The idea of "marrying for love" wasn't really a thing until about 200 years ago. Before that, marriage was about increasing the workforce of your family: it took more than one person to run a farm or a smithy (and I don't think I've ever gotten to use the word 'smithy' in a sentence before). Traits that you looked for in a spouse included physical strength, dependability, and a large extended family.
• The Roman philosopher Seneca went so far as to say that "nothing is more impure than to love one's wife as if she were a mistress" (17).
• The Spartans were against gay marriage not because they were opposed to homosexuality, but because they believed that no Spartan man would willingly take on the harsh role of a Spartan woman.
• In many pre-Industrial Western societies, the church only bothered with the marriages of the wealthy and influential. Marriages between commoners were seldom church sanctioned, and were instead seen as valid if two people told the community that they were married. Dissolving a marriage was just as easy.
• The "male breadwinner" marriages of the 1950s could not have happened at any other time in history. After World War II, men were given higher wages than women as a way to encourage women to leave the workforce so the men returning from war would be able to find jobs.

The take-home message? There really is no such thing as "traditional marriage." Marriage is, and has always been, what you make of it.

The Big Picture

It's been a while, but I finally talked to my sister. She wanted to know everything that's going on with me, but first I wanted to know everything that's going on with her (baby sister's privilege). She and her husband and my niece and nephew are moving clear to the other side of the country in a few months. They finalized their decision earlier this week by enrolling the kids in schools over there for the fall. My sister rushed through all the details as quickly as she could. "Okay. Your turn."

What?

She thinks that my upcoming wedding is a bigger deal than her uprooting her family and moving 3,000 miles. I disagree.

Yes, mine is a big life event. I am linking my life with that of another person. I know that's a big deal. That being said, I don't know that it will have that huge of an impact on my day to day existence. My honey and I already live together. We share a Netflix account and an iTunes account. We take turns walking the dog and doing the dishes. Our finances will probably be the biggest change: we'll open a joint bank account (at his bank, because they have better interest rates than mine does) and I'll get more money back on my taxes.

Somewhere down the line, we'll (hopefully) have kids. That, I'm pretty sure, will be a bigger life-changer than tying the knot. As would moving 3,000 miles.

All Dolled Up

Everyone who knows me, knows that I dye my hair. Actually, I get it done by someone else, but that's not the point. The point is, I went to my stylist yesterday for the first time since getting engaged. If possible, she's even more excited about the upcoming wedding than my mom is. 

Let me explain: I've been going to the same stylist for way longer than I've been with my honey. Or anyone else, with the exception of my mom and one or two friends. We go way back. So that's one reason she's so excited. The other is that I think she's trying to live vicariously; she and her boyfriend have been together for nearly a decade, and he has yet to pop the question (I accidentally typed "poop" there--ha). I don't know how to break it to her that it's doubtful whether that will actually end up happening with her beau, but that's a whole other can of worms, so we won't go into detail on that.

Of course she wanted to talk about wedding hair and wedding dresses. You can't decide what to do with your hair until you know what you're wearing, apparently. As much as we could plan at this juncture (without the benefit of having a dress) was side bangs and down-ish and pulled to the side. But her plans didn't stop there.

She pulled out her calendar to block off my wedding date (as requested), and kept it out. Apparently, I need to get the color done the Tuesday before. That makes sense to me. And possibly a Brazilian Blowout on the bangs and wispy side pieces. Maybe. I still haven't agreed to that part. Scribble all that into her calendar. Two days before the big day, she wants me to do some other things that I truly don't understand. False eyelashes (I actually really like the ones I have). Spray tan (two things: I have never in my life gotten or even thought about getting a spray tan, and I'm getting married near the end of summer, and will at that time be naturally tanned to a healthy crisp shade of brown... or several shades). Hair extensions (my hair isn't super thin, I think I'll be fine). 

"And you have to thread your eyebrows."

"What? No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. If I have to hold you down and do it myself, I will."

"We'll talk about it later."

What's Cookin'

Our menu tasting was today at 2pm, and enough time has finally passed (4 hours, give or take) that I can think about food without feeling queasy. Don't get me wrong: the food wasn't bad. Exactly the opposite. I don't usually eat to the point of illness--but I don't usually go food tasting for my wedding, either, so there you go.

My nightmare food experience did not come to pass. The restaurant ("bistro") where we were didn't even have an outdoor dining option: it was hyper-trendy, dimly lit, with glass bubbles hanging from the ceiling and pages from an old book glued helter-skelter over the windows. We were virtually the only patrons, and the food was intense. We waded our way through two appetizers, two salads, and three entrees. Appetizers: check and check. Salads: one yes, one no (do roasted potatoes belong in a "spring greens" salad? I have my doubts). Entrees: two that we virtually scraped the plates, one that elicited a "meh" (perfect--the goal was two). The only thing we weren't decided on were the sides (mashed potatoes and...? We ended up crossing our fingers and going with something we didn't actually try).

After we were stuffed to the gills, the chef (at least I think that's who he was; he brought each of the dishes out with a detailed explanation and a flourish, but it was hard to tell through the Saint Paddy's Day green pseudo-suit shirt) asked how everything was. What were our decisions? Was there anything we wanted to change prior to the big day? As a matter of fact, there was something we (read: I) wanted to change. If we're doing a fruit skewer (spoiler) that includes grapes, they need to be seedless grapes. Pseudo-suit skipped a beat before telling me that it can be tricky to find organic, seedless grapes. I just stared at him. His next statement was "I'm sure we can special order some."

I'm not a Bridezilla, I swear. Seed-ful grapes are just never appropriate in a fruit skewer. Ever.

I Have A Dream

Last night, I had my first wedding planning dream. Hopefully also my last. Here's what happened:

We were at a restaurant for our food tasting (which is, probably not coincidentally, today). It was a lovely outdoor restaurant; we were seated at a table on a grassy area below several arches and lights. A waitress came to take our order. After I told her something, she disappeared. I realized the waitress should probably be informed of why we're there, so I went to find her. I told her the situation and she started to cry, telling me that she'd already put in the order and there was no way to change it. Then she pointed to twenty other people standing nearby who were apparently also there to do pre-wedding tastings. Then I woke up.

Weird. I hope it doesn't mean that our tasting today is going to be a disaster. 

I'll get back to you on that.

Detail Oriented

Here's another post about my wonderful, amazing Mommy. I love her dearly, but sometimes she gets a little over-excited. For example, I once casually mentioned that I thought it would be neat to learn how to play guitar. That year on Christmas, I unwrapped a guitar, complete with a how-to cd (this was a total bust; as it happens, I have negative amounts of musical talent).

A little backpedaling: My honey and I have booked a venue. It ultimately came down to the phrase "I trust you." He still hasn't actually been there yet, although he's seen pictures. It's perfect, I promise. One of the things I especially like about the location is how casual it is: wine-tasting patio by day, wedding hotspot at night. During the day, they have adorable wooden tables and chairs, which apparently go bye-bye during weddings in favor of the more wedding-y 60" round tables. I haven't seen it decked out with round tables, but I really like the wood ones. 

Anyhoo... I was discussing this detail with Mom, and she agreed that the wood tables are fantastic, no tablecloths needed. I suggested that table runners might be a nice touch to dress them up just a touch.

Two days later, I got an email from Mom with a link to a table runner website (there really are websites for everything, apparently), including the name of the one that she thinks will look best with our colors. This is even more impressive given that all I gave her for colors are the kinds of flowers I want.

The scary thing is, I think she might have nailed it.

A Book Review (#1)

As I've said before, I enjoy reading. A lot. And not just chick flick novels (although I have read my share of those, too). I also read a variety of other things, some of which may be relevant to my current situation, so over time you'll probably notice quite a few book reviews here, beginning with The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

I got this book long before I got engaged, while trying to improve not a relationship, but my outlook on life. One of the key messages of the book is that the best way to make other people happy is to be happy yourself. But how to become happier?

A sense of growth or progress is essential to happiness. My honey and I definitely both feel this way, even if we haven't necessarily discussed it in exactly those terms. When we're in a settled routine, we get bored: work, dinner, television, blah, bed, repeat. This can get really tricky given that we (along with a majority of human beings everywhere) need to work in order to sustain ourselves. So what we have to do is put in the effort to change it up, even if that means something as simple as going on a movie and dinner "date" on Friday night. 

Similarly, it is important to make time for things you enjoy (like reading a book or writing a blog, for example).

And while you're enjoying something, why not laugh a little? Laughter may not quite be the best medicine, but it does have real benefits. In addition to promoting social bonding, it can actually lower stress, including levels of stress hormones and blood pressure. So maybe laughing can improve the health of an individual as well as the health of a relationship .

I will be the first person to say that I'm in a great relationship, but we're still not perfect. Inevitably, some sort of tension will develop in even the best relationships. The key is knowing what to do when this happens. "Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return" (100). Translation: when you're upset, don't try to hide it. But at the same time, try not to dwell on it. That's probably not the best solution either. Acknowledge and move on--problem solved.

It's also important to remember that we are talking about a relationship here, and a relationship generally involves two people, so we need to take the other person's needs and desires into consideration as well as our own. So I'll leave you with this tidbit: "Studies show that people's basic psychological needs include the need to feel secure, to feel good at what they do, to be loved, to feel connected to others, and to have a strong sense of control" (170).

An Observation

Many people seem to be equally interested in my upcoming nuptials and in my upcoming bachelorette party.

The Planning Commences

"Honey, you can be as involved or not involved as you want to be in planning our wedding." Except the dress. No boys allowed for that one. Obviously.

Right away, he told me he didn't care about flowers or decorations, as long as we have a fun wedding. That works for me. I know what flowers I like, and I can pick colors and decorations from there. 

Band or DJ? We agree that a DJ would be more fun, and he has a friend who's a DJ. Check that one off the list--easy.

Plated dinner or buffet? Buffets are less formal, and therefore more fun. That was easy, too.

Date? Check.

Honeymoon spot? Check.

Location? This one isn't so easy. We only have about six months before our date (spoiler), so a lot of venues have already been booked. I want to get a location locked in as soon as possible so we don't end up with someplace boring or tacky. My honey can only look at so many pictures of venues before getting bored and apathetic, but still wants to participate in the decision-making process. I feel like I'm starting to nag, which I hate just as much as I'm sure he does. My options: nag until something gets done (unappealing), make the decision on my own (plausible, but don't want the honey to feel left out), wait and possibly get stuck with a second-rate location (also unappealing), hope his attention span for venue photos is higher after a good night's sleep or winning at a friendly game of cribbage (crossing fingers that this works)...

The Beacon

Since we got engaged while on vacation, it feels weird settling back into a routine at home. It's not that either of us is any different than we were before we made our big announcement (it was planned, after all). But something has changed. Something small and sparkly and on my left hand. Everywhere I go, I feel like people are noticing the ring. Logically, I know they aren't; but then again, when have human beings ever been rational?

We didn't call everyone we knew to tell them the big news; instead we put it on Facebook and let the information trickle through our friends and acquaintances (and told our moms, who gladly disseminated the news).

Friday was my first day back at work after our engagement trip. Everyone was so excited, wanting to see the ring, telling me how lucky my honey and I both are to have each other. I shared my news with complete strangers, who were also ridiculously excited and very congratulatory--some of which created fleeting bonding experiences: "we're engaged, too!" My favorite, though, was this: "Welcome to the family! Marriage is a wonderful institution... if you make it that far... or you could just stay engaged..." Weird.

I don't know whether or not I'm looking to the beacon effect wearing off. Getting engaged is an important life event, but probably not the biggest life event.