Another Book Review (#4)

I'd like to preface this one by stating that this book has some good insights, even if the title is downright awful. I bought the book a long time ago, after a bad breakup (which it completely reaffirmed). The title is (deep breath) Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. That being said, my honey isn't Mr. Good Enough. He's Mr. Pretty Damn Great. If every guy were like him, we wouldn't need a book like this (actually, we would, because some women would be dissatisfied regardless), although it does have some interesting ideas anyway:

Be realistic. Many women today have "a heightened sense of entitlement that previous generations didn't have. Our mothers might have wished, but certainly didn't expect, that their husbands would constantly want to please them, be attracted to them, entertain them, enjoy sharing all their interests, and be the most charming person in the room. Instead, they knew that marriage involved failing health, aging, boredom, periods of stress and disconnection, annoying habits, issues with children, and hardships and misunderstandings of all sorts. But many women today seem to be looking for an idealized spiritual union instead of a realistic marital partnership" (131).

Be positive. "In successful relationships, couples appreciate each other's good points instead of focusing on the flaws" (134).

Be satisfied. "The people who got married younger, who knew how to compromise and negotiate and sustain a marriage, are likely less demanding than those who felt they couldn't find anyone good enough. They tend to be better partners and parents. They're probably much more enjoyable to live with over the course of fifty years. All the more reason not only to seek out a satisficer [satisficer: a person who keeps something that is good enough versus continuing to search for something that is perfect], but to be one yourself" (154).

Be accepting. "It's not about changing the other person; it's about accepting things about the other person that you'd like to change, but can't" (175). Obviously this doesn't apply to things like drug addiction--that's just crazy talk.

Be understanding. "Even our best friends don't meet all our needs. That's why we have many close friends, not just one. So why does a husband have to be an überfriend who meets every need and shares every interest? Who can handle that kind of pressure?" (207).

Be domestic. "What makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you're married, it's not so much about whom you want to go on a tropical vacation with; it's about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn't a constant passion-fest; it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane nonprofit business" (227). Now doesn't that sound appealing.

Be happy. "Married people are happier overall" (243).

Be enough. "Husbands are life partners, not life savers. A full 50 percent of marital satisfaction is up to you, but many women don't see it that way" (249).

Be aware. "Research has shown that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of 'incompatibility' or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life 'around' them--to love in spite of their areas of difference.... If we switch partners, we'll just get ten new areas of disagreement" (275).

Believe. "Soul mates are a beautiful notion to believe in once it happens. But it's a dangerous thing to believe in before you've found the person you've decided to spend your life with. In reality, there are many people we could be happy with--it's just that your soul develops in different ways with different people" (286).

The Sweetest!

We've all heard that the third time's the charm. At least this time it turned out to be true.

Our third cake tasting took place in an unlikely location: a coffee shop. Believe it or not, this  particular coffee shop has actually won awards for its wedding cakes. But so had the other cakeries we'd been to. It had excellent reviews. But so had the other cakeries. The pictures on their website looked great, but so had the other cakeries. They had their prices listed online, and they were the only one.

And the prices didn't seem that scary. And that was a little scary. But it never hurts to taste the cake, and so we went.

We tried fifteen cakes, and they were all good--even the carrot cake, and we don't usually like carrot cake. My honey and I were able to agree on three flavors that were our favorites: chocolate with peanut butter filling, red velvet (with no nuts, per my honey's request), and strawberries and cream. Presumably these are all different enough that everyone will be able to find an agreeable flavor. And if not, well then that's just too bad for them.

There will be delicious buttercream and no fondant. And fresh flowers on the cake (assuming I can find a florist, which I can). And we even got a discount because my honey's in the military. Score!

The Ring(s)

We have our wedding bands. Check that off the to-do list.

During my internet search for the perfect engagement ring, I stumbled across some pretty cool wedding bands, too. I showed them to my honey and asked for his opinion. We had the same favorite part of the bands, which is the material. They're titanium, which, in addition to the awesome connection to Greek mythology, is supposedly one of the sturdiest of the metals (i.e. scratch resistant) which I see as a definite plus. For both of us.

Beyond that, there were lots of options. My honey and I each picked out our favorite texture: his has striations that make it look rugged (a perfect fit) and mine is simple and polished. We both got the comfort fit option, obviously (who would pick uncomfortable, really?). 

And now for the really cool part: we each picked a color for the inside of our rings. The craftsman making them oxidizes the metal on the interior of the band to make it pretty much any color of the rainbow. My honey went with deep blue and I went with sky blue. 

So our rings kind of match, but not too much. We're still individuals with our own personalities and opinions. And I think these rings definitely reflect that.

When we went to get sized for our wedding rings, the Jeweler tried several different sizes on my honey. When the Jeweler found the one that fit best, he looked at me and said, "He's a 10!" Of course he is, but do we really have to keep encountering wedding professionals who insist on cliches? It's like The Dress all over again.

No Regrets

People keep offering me their opinions about what constitutes the perfect wedding. I know they mean well. The funny thing is that they all voice their opinions in the same way: "I don't want you to regret (insert opinion here)." But I'll let you in on a secret.

I'm not making big decisions on the fly. I have thought about things like who to invite and who will be walking me down the aisle. In fact, I've thought about both of these things a lot, both recently and even before I was planning my wedding. My logic may not be clear to the people voicing their alternate opinions, but it is crystal clear to me. I am planning my wedding to maximize my (and my honey's) enjoyment of the event and overall happiness. Period.

And I think that's how it should be.

It's A Date!

In addition to working full time and planning my wedding, this summer I'm also starting graduate school. Last night, I went to orientation for the program, where they gave us some of the dates when we'll be meeting in person. To better accommodate everyone's schedules, there are two choices for every session: Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend. One of the first dates happens to be the same date as my wedding.

I raised my hand: "One of these days is mandatory? So we have to be there either Saturday or Sunday? I'm getting married that Saturday." And I can think of a bazillion things I'd rather be doing the day after my wedding than spending all day in class. Like getting ready for my honeymoon.

This is what came next:

"We have several excellent wedding venues here" (from one of the men associated with the program, obviously).

The program facilitator chimed in: "I'm sure we can work something out."

Excellent, because I would hate to have to postpone getting a graduate degree because of my wedding. Or get married in the same location where I will be getting the aforementioned degree.

Even Sweeter!

Yesterday was our second cake tasting. This time, the bakery was recommended by the Event Coordinator at our Venue. The place was called Tasteful Cakes, which seemed promising, especially since lack of taste was our concern with last week's tasting.

The cakes really were tasteful. We only got six varieties: strawberry, dulce de leche, chocolate mousse, peach, raspberry lemon, coconut pineapple. The first three were the clear winners, and we pretty much scraped those off the plate. We looked through their book while scraping, and found one cake that seemed like a good choice: it was pretty simple, with a pattern of frosting dots that would be easy to do with our color scheme.

Here's the downside: this cake, with three tiers (which feeds 100 people), will cost $785. Excuse me? They charge by the serving, and it's $7.50 per serving (which I would have thought would be $750, so I'm apparently missing $35 somewhere). Their prices range from $5 to $13 per serving, and on the cake we liked, "you're paying for the pattern." It wasn't even much of a pattern. The cake with the gold leaf accents would definitely be on the $13 list.

We walked away because of the price tag. I knew wedding cake would be more expensive than non-wedding cake, but I would much rather spend that money on something more important than a cake that people probably won't put too much thought into eating.

A slight departure from last week's thoughts on cake, I know. But who in their right mind wants to pay $785 for a cake? Or $750; I still don't see where the extra $35 comes in.

Sweet!

Our first cake tasting was today. We had a 2pm appointment, but the owner's husband (who's self-proclaimed job title was "Cake Boy") called me yesterday to ask if we could come in at 1pm instead because they had so many cakes to deliver today that he had to rent extra delivery trucks and help deliver cakes himself and he hated to do this and it just made him so upset to inconvenience us etc etc. I assured him it was not a problem, and we walked in the door at about 1:15 (there are entirely too many Torrey Pines Roads in La Jolla).

There were two other groups of people tasting cakes when we arrived (cake morsels would be more accurate; each group was given a two-bite-sized piece of each of a dozen different flavors). One group consisted of a bride, groom, bride's mom, and bride's friend. The other group was just a bride and her mom. The bride of the larger group had dressed up for the occasion, which I found a bit odd, although, technically I was dressed up, too, in a white tank top given to me by a friend, which reads "Bride" across the chest (I know it's cheesy; deal with it).

Cake Boy was very chatty (in other words good at his job as a salesman). For the inconvenience of making us reschedule, he would give us a free Groom's Cake for my honey and his groomsmen. If we decided to purchase our cake from them, obviously. I suspected we would have gotten that deal anyway, as he felt like my honey was a kindred spirit as a fellow member of the Navy (in Cake Boy's case, during Vietnam). He gave us our plate of cake morsels and described each one. They had all the usual suspects (chocolate mousse, carrot cake, raspberry, lemon, strawberry, red velvet) as well as some different choices (chocolate peanut butter (at which my honey started paying closer attention), coconut, pineapple poppyseed, peach). We were left to peruse the cake books while eating and discussing. 

Looking through the books, there was a lot of fondant. The one thing we had agreed before going in was No Fondant. It may look pretty, but it's barely edible, so why bother? We found one cake in the book that we were both agreeable to, with some possible alterations. 

After we finished eating cake, I asked my honey "What'd you think?" He responded with "It was alright" which pretty much summed up how I was feeling. The cake was decent, but not spectacular. My honey was more agreeable to the cake than I was, even after his mediocre response. His thought was that if it wasn't bad, we should get it. My thought was that if we were going to spend (I'm predicting) several hundred dollars on a cake, it has to be better than only okay: it better be the best damn cake I've ever tasted.

And so we left empty handed, with matching sugar-induced headaches, to try another bakery on another day.

Mommy and Me

Today I went to visit my mom. We decided to take the opportunity to work on one of the details we haven't touched yet: flowers. 

She's previously told me one of her ideas: for the ceremony space, put jars full of flowers hanging from shepherds hooks running down the aisle. When she showed me the jars she'd bought for this purpose, I chose to focus on the obvious flaw, which was the outlandish color. Today, we got to the real issue.

I've known what flowers I want in my wedding since before I knew the groom. All little girls fantasize about what their wedding dress is going to be like, right? At least that's what someone told me. I didn't have a dream dress picked out, or a dream man (although I definitely have both of those now), but I did have dream flowers. Think tropical. A few orchids, some ginger, probably a lot of greenery. While I've told my mom this in the abstract, today we went to a florist so I could actually show her. I scribbled down their prices and we went on to what I'll call the Everything Store (Random Crap Store would be equally descriptive) to look at vases. We found ones that I like, bought the entire supply, and my honey and I will be (hopefully, if I can convince him to come with me) going to the closer-to-home location of the Everything Store to get just a few more vases to put on our reception tables, and then we still need to find a good price on things to put in them. Still plenty of time for that. At least we got one thing accomplished.

And my flowers will look quite lovely tied onto the sides of the chairs going down the aisle. They wouldn't really fit into jars. Sorry, Mommy.